Why I hate Superman

In the spirit of posts about coconuts on deserted islands, I bring you: Superman is a bastard. (Subtitle: Work is slow the day before July 4.)

No, really. The guy saves lives and is generally a do-gooder, sure. But (regardless of what you'll hear elsewhere) laziness is the root of all evil, and this is one selfish, lazy superhero.

There's a scene in Superman Returns in which he soars above the clouds, gets a good satellite's-eye-view of the Earth, closes his eyes, and listens for trouble. He immediately finds it, so he zips back down, fixes some stuff, foils a robbery, rescues people in distress, and so on. It's terrific stuff, and everything that makes Superman Superman is embodied in this sequence. The invincible hero using his strength to better humanity, incredible acts of heroism and charity, etc. And yet, when he puts on the suit and does his thing, that's when I realized I hate Superman.

Because WHY DOESN'T HE DO THIS ALL THE TIME? He just spent 9 hours chatting it up with old colleagues and getting settled back into his old job as some hapless newspaper reporter. That's all perfectly natural, I thought, until he started in with the heroics and it occurred to me to wonder, how many people just bit it because you wanted to knock around the old office for the day instead of putting your talents to good use?

And it's not just that he's dividing his time: HEROISM IS HIS NIGHT JOB. It's his hobby. It's what he does when he gets off work. Heading into a fatal traffic accident during business hours? TOO BAD, CHUMP. I'm busy trying to win dates while acting like a tool because it's the only thing left that challenges me. Sure, I could save you, but where does it end? Nah, I'm gonna pretend to be a loser half the time and see where that gets me.

That ... makes no sense. If you want to be loved, just be yourself, and they'll love you, believe me. Also, there'd be more people alive, you selfish bastard.

And what's up with reporting? Hey, I love journalism, and I understand the allure. But really, you could be contributing more, earning more, and further along the path to self-actualization, and you wouldn't have to pretend to be a limp fool anymore in the process, which surely you must find tremendously disheartening after awhile. There is something seriously wrong with this guy's psychology.

He's doing something no one else can do. This is a hugely rare and valuable service he's providing -- it's unique, in fact -- and certainly the governments of the world could put their resources together and compensate him fairly for it. Why is this not his full-time job? He's a massive violation of the principle of specialization. And another thing: you know how many people wish they could report for a paper like the Daily Planet? Stop stealing our jobs!

Clearly, from his portrayal, there is little to limit Superman's ability to locate and prevent disasters. And if the entire planet can be within scope, there will never be a shortage of work for him. But he wastes enormous opportunities to do good by piddling around with playacting for unconscionable stretches of time.

And don't even get me started on why he's decided an individual bank robbery is worth stopping when he could be fixing Africa.

Jerk.